Social Misfits in MarySueLand
by Shalimar The Geek
Summary: No other type of fanfiction is more hated than the Mary Sue. What happens when some outlandish characters are placed in a story in lieu of the Mary Sue? In Chapter 7, a new character appears. Friend, Foe, or Insignificant Supporting Character?
1. Please Get Your Tickets At The Front Des...

Delta Writes A Mary-Sue. Yeah.  
  
CHAPTER 1: Delta and Her Invisible Friend Explain, Eat Pie, And Sing 'Margaritaville'.  
  
El Disclaimero: Me not own. Me only own aberrations of Mary- Sue society. You see.  
  
There are several types of Mary-Sue story. Yesh indeedy. There are different sects, types, categories, and levels of redundancy and disgustingness. The common response to all, however, is generally the same. Meaning, the range of negative responses varies from projectile vomiting to spontaneous combustion.  
  
Though the fanfiction sites are positively crawling with these redundant masses of pink fluff, chewed gum, grey matter, and some narsty fangirl thoughts (from "Composition and Analysis- An Inside Look At The Mary- Sue", pg. 37) there are ways to fight back. MSTs, for example. Everyone loves a good execution, and the cynical, sardonic, sarcastic and often gratuitously violent MST writers do their job well. Long live the MST. Another way to fight back is by ruthlessly mocking, which is not the same as an MST. (What the hell does 'MST' stand for? I have no clue. Fun, demonstrating my stupidity, eh? Moo Says Toucan? Multi- Suckered Tentacle? Mister Stupid Thingamajig? Mary Sue Tackling? Am I getting warm?) No. It is not. Get that through your head. Nonono. Mocking is.mocking. Gee, imagine that, a literal phrase in what is obviously the works of a psychopathic vegan with a sponge and some tea bags. Mocking is where you take a story and, via Superdy- Duper Reverse Psychology Wooooooooooo, blow it entirely out of proportion. Yeah. This is a mockery. Yeah. This is a mockery. Yeah. This is a mockery. Yeah...  
  
Anyway, we're taking three, count 'em , THREE types of Mary- Sue and placing an abomination in each one. Yes. Abomination. Meaning, in place of Skinny Blonde Slut Protagonist (Are there actually protagonists in these things? Or do all the 'characters' just kind of stand around and drool?) we will insert Masochistic Drug Dealer With A Lazy Eye And A Machine Gun. Muahahahahhhahaha, we are geniuses. We'll be here till Friday. Remember your posters so we can sign them.  
  
The catch? Uh..*thinks* Well, the characters are aware that the Mary-Sue will appear at any given time, and are therefore surprised when aforementioned drug dealer appears magically in place of the supermodel they were expecting. Just to keep you 'Smile and Nod'ers informed.  
  
The three types of Mary- Sue we will be slaughtering mercilessly are the most common type, a lesser- known type, and a rare but damn entertaining bit we like to call the Star Wars Jedi Hell Chamber. Sounds like fun, no? So please keep all arms, legs, baseball bats, pickaxes, poison darts, thumbscrews, 'Don't Mess With Texas' bumper stickers, Magical Fuzzy Slippers of Immortality, etc. inside the vehicle and remain seated at all times while the fic is in motion. And watch out for the Happy Typo Monkeys of Horiblle Speling. They throe thinsg. 


	2. Harry Potter And Spidey The Awkward Sile...

CHAPTER 2: The Monkys Atack, And wE are Intorduceed To The Frist Misfit  
  
Our First Actual Chapter. Ah. Don't you just love that new chapter smell? During the course of our lovely little tour (please do not molest the tour guide) we will be going back and forth between the three fics, so as to make the readers think they are watching a very bad soap opera (ever seen 'Passions'? Yeah, that bad). So, without further ado, let me present to you the lesser known yet oh-so-nauseating first fic; an abomination in itself: Harry Potter Meets Spiderman, plus one extra vampiric obsessive- compulsive handwasher. 'WHY?!' you scream, tearing your hair out and slamming your head against the walls. Why? WHY, you say? Because I said so. Also because we couldn't decide which ones were worse. But mostly because I said so. And yes, we do sometimes let our evil minions scream obscenities, but we put them in symbol- speak (&*%$, *#@$, etc.) most of the time because it's much more fun to say "$%|%!!!" than it is to say, "Shit. There is a three- inch rusty nail embedded in my forehead." TTFN, enjoy the ride. *Lights dim*  
  
(Ahem). Harry and Ron were seated in the common room at Hogwarts, doing nothing, as we all know no one ever does ANYTHING until the MS shows up. "So, Ron, care to discuss politics? Golf? How poor you are? Diarrhea- inducing foods?" Harry was just trying to start a conversation, folks. Don't be too hard on him. "Mph," answered his redheaded counterpart, who was busy picking those little fuzzballs off his orange-and-lime-green sweater. There was a four-foot high pile of them on the floor next to him. Harry decided to lose it, so as to buy time to keep the readers enthralled. "WHERE IS SHE?! She ought to be here by now. They always are." Ron nodded absently. This was not usually a good sign. It was just a few seconds until.yep, there he went. "AAAUUUGGHH!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Harry, clutching his head. "MY SCAR IS KILLING ME!!! AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!" he sank to his knees. "Goodbye, cruel world.." He was stretched out on the floor, twitching. Ron glanced at him to make sure he hadn't popped a blood vessel like last time and continued with his fuzzball- picking.  
  
FWUMP.  
  
From the ceiling she fell, right on top of the twitching Harry. At first it appeared to be a giant bat, or a corpse. Ron was alarmed, thinking that whatever sent those deplorable creatures had accidentally sent them a dead one. He leaned over and studied the writhing, screeching THING that was going to be the love interest of one of them. Ron crossed his fingers and hoped it was another transvestite going for Hermione. Bloody hilarious, that had been.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry was quite startled, as you might imagine, to find a large heavy black sheet on top of him as he twitched. He thought for a moment it was the Grim Reaper, or maybe a dementor, but there was no long black hair on a dementor. The most important thing, Harry remembered, was to get it OFF him, as it was violently attacking him with its fists. Only when it began the high- pitched wail that was so familiar did he realize that THIS was the new fangirl. He scrabbled up, shoving it savagely off him, and listened to the satisfying thump as it hit the floor. The thing screeched again as it landed, head over heels, in the doorway. It rose, slowly and rather creepily (a la Samara in 'The Ring') so that it stood a full four inches taller than Ron. "Um..hi?" Harry said, oh so painfully lamely. The thing uttered a guttral noise and began to speak. It was obviously female, as the MSs usually were, and its black sheetlike garb made it look taller than it actually was. It could have possibly been some kind of old fashioned wizard's robe. It raised a black- clothed arm and from under the huge, bell- like sleeves a deathly white hand appeared and pointed straight at Harry. "You," she (for it was definitely a she) said, in a husky, low voice, "You must tell me.where I am." She shoved her hair back, revealing a face the same shade as the hand, save for ruby- red lips that were a little smudged and dark purplish circles under the eyes, which were impossibly large and a burgundy shade that wouldn't have looked bad on some throw pillows. Her fingernails were painted red and were kind of chipped. This was definitely the last fangirl in the box, thought Ron, dumbfounded. They sent us the defective one. At least the other ones had big boobs. "Why do you not speak, boy? Tell me who you are. And tell me where to find a sink. Quickly. She began to twist one of her trailing sleeves. All of a sudden, who bursts in but- you guessed it- Spiderman, in full costume, dragging Hermione behind like a Yorkshire terrier on seventeen cappucinos. "Make way! Move it, kid!" Spidey shoved the stupefied Harry aside, and propelled Hermione into the washroom. The door clicked shut. "We were..*gasp* *wheeze* studying.she drank..*wheeze* seven glasses of iced tea with pumpkin..closest bathroom was here..other ones.all out of order..." the Dynamite Duo directed their dumbfounded and rather idiotic stares toward Spiderman. Finally Ron found the will to speak, buried in the back of his mind between last night's Potions homework and a pile of dandelion fluff that much resembled the pile of fuzzballs. "Y- you..study...with.her?" His voice went up an octave at the last word. Spiderman furrowed his brow. Those damn British accents."Yes. Me.study.book.with.girl..in..potty." Awkward silence, then, "ACK!! Can't she hurry up?" The corpse- Mary-Sue was practically foaming at the mouth. " I NEED to wash my hands.wash.wash.." She began to gnaw nervously on her lower lip. The stupefied stares aimed back in her direction, and she met them with her creepy eyes. Her gaze fell on Spiderman, who had taken off his mask. "And what," she purred, suddenly suave though she was gritting her teeth for lack of a sink, "pray tell, is YOUR name?" "Uh..Spiderman. But you can call me Peter. And, uh, your name, miss?" The girl smiled slowly. "My name is Belwyn (Notice the smallest hint of fangirl in the name?), a lady of the night. What do you do for a living, Petey?" "Well, I, uh, used to be a Muggle superhero and defender of justice, but, ah, I was running out of money and living on bologna sandwiches so I decided to get a job as a security guard here." "Ah. So. Who do y-" Belwyn was off like a shot, as Hermione had just stepped out of the bathroom. She shoved the bushy- haired girl into a potted plant and slammed the door. They could all hear the water running full-blast. "Oh.oh my," said Hermione, who fainted accordingly, as most female characters in Mary Sues have very little character and very little backbone. The stupefied glances shifted to her, and then the creature emerging from the washroom, who was an even scarier sight after she had been absent from the room for ten minutes. "I'm hungry. Which one of you is up for lunch?" ________________________________________________________________________ Ah, yes. How'd ya like it? I tried not to put too many idiotic statements in, so as not to scare off the potential readers out there. If you have any major qualms about this story or the style in which it was written, or just want to whine about something, go to the pretty review button and click it. A window entitled, "Type, you morons" should pop up. You 'type' by pushing the keys on the keyboard, which you should have in front of you. Look down at the keyboard. Amazingly, the 'keys' have letters on them! When you push a key, a letter pops up on the screen. WOW! You are a genius! You have mastered typing! You deserve a reward, go out and treat yourself to some ice cream. Ah, yes, I nearly forgot. Next Chapter: Chapter 3, Enter the Realm of the Sappy Blathering UTTERLY REDUNDANT and MOST POPULAR Mary Sue fanfic, the LEGOLAS MELODRAMA-er, LEGOLAS SNOGGING FANGI-er, LEGOLAS MARY- SUE FIC. The ever-popular, the "10" on the Barf-O-Meter, the Big-Ass Cahuna. The Walking Herbal Essence Commercial Showdown. The Only Thing Worse Than Sailor Moon Fics. The Annoying Auntie of the Fanfiction Family. The Fic Which Could Be Accompanied Entirely By N*Sync Music. Yes, my dears, I am an anti-Legolas-fangirl. Enter the redundancy (wonderful display of said quality above, eh? I tried real hard to overload my adjectives). Enter the barfworthiness. Enter the punk rocker with seven earrings and green- tipped hair and her redneck counterpart. Muahahahhahaha. 


	3. Enter The Femme Fatale

CHAPTER 3: Enter The Femme Fatale (He's the Femme, She's the Fatale) And Chapter 3 ½: Enter Illegal Substance Girl  
  
The Legolas Mary Sue- The Perfect Opportunity To Sell Your Soul At A Reduced Fee  
  
Ah, here I am, announcing another Mary Sue Misfit. The Harry/Spidey one will continue in this chapter also, but I must warn you: those who are prone to queasyness or spontaneous combustion, as well as women who are pregnant or nursing, and those who are on antidepressants may want to leave while you still can, because the Mother of all Mary Sues is here. For all those who have actually been following the meaningless plot, the person who will save us all from death by massive blood loss as we put each other out of our misery is none other than a militant feminist pyromaniac rocker chick. YAAAAY!! GO GIRL!!!!  
  
Legolas was in the forest. Yeah. No one else is in sight, because in these fics other characters never matter, seeing as there's no plot. So he was in the forest, and he comes upon a group of orcs and a figure tied to a tree. He sighed. Not again. It was so hard............these girls come along who are PRETTIER than him and he has to snog all over them and...........he felt a tear roll down his cheek. But there was something odd about the figure- it wasn't blonde. And it also wasn't wearing a tattered dress. And it was.........spitting out words to make a sailor blush (this here comment is dedicated to my own dear momma).Legolas stared, as was the recurring theme in the last chapter. The girl was only about five feet tall, and delicate looking. However, she was somehow setting orcs on fire via a large weaponish thing, though her hands were tied. The screaming and the stench of burning flesh was too much for Femme Boy, as well as the surprise. He passed out.  
  
When he awoke, there were eyes staring into his. Usually when this happened the eyes were blue or green or violet or some weird color, but this girl's eyes were beyond weird- they were lime green. They blinked. "Contacts, you freak,"drawled a voice very very close to his ear. The girl was wearing a black trenchcoat over a Led Zeppelin tee shirt and black and white baggy pants. Legolas blinked. What the f&^#.......where was the frilly dress, tastefully tattered? Where was the smooth creamy skin? This girl had- gasp- freckles. And her eye makeup was too dark. Legolas's expert eye looked her over. Only when he was mentally criticizing her short red hair did he feel a cold iron thing pressed against the side of his head. He realized very suddenly what had happened. The girl, psycho, whatever she was had flambeed the orcs, he had fainted, and now this serial killer was leaning over him with a flamethrower against his head. He wondered if Herbal Essences was especially flammable. "One move, male scum, and I torch that pretty hair of yours." Yes. He had gathered that much. "Now I want you to get up slowly and keep your hands where I can see them, like a good boy. There you go." Her voice was far from the sweet, melodic voices of the Mary Sues. It was low and harsh and a scathing tone that seemed to be permanently applied to every word she said. Legolas rose to his feet, like a good boy. "Well, aren't you pretty," said the murderer. Legolas couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride. "What brings YOU here, Dorothy?" Uh...shouldn't *he * be asking that? Well, she had the gun.........."Name's Legolas. I, uh, well, I'm wandering the forest for no apparent reason. That's what I always do in these things, except, uh........." His voice faltered, as the finger on the trigger on the flamethrower played with the safety catch. How did he know what a flamethrower does and how to use it? No idea, it's a Mary Sue. You can't expect to KNOW things like that. Anyway, the girl was fixing to torch his brains out, she didn't seem impressed by his beauty, she seemed to have no soul, no heart, no sanity, and no fashion sense. This was gonna be a loooooooong fanfic.  
  
"Where do you live?" "Uh, uh, well, seeing as everyone else in Middle Earth has dissappeared, nowhere in particular." "Ah. Yeah. Uh-hunh.""Would you please remove your weapon from my head?" "No." "Why?" "Stop asking questions or you'll see why." "Um............um.............." The finger snapped the safety catch to 'off.' The finger slowly squeezed the trigger. A finger on the other hand made an obscene gesture to anyone who might be watching. But before Miss Pyro could go all "Farenheit 451" on our boy(/girl) Leggie, a large object fell from the sky, emitting a noise much like the Mary-Sue in our previous chappie. It was a book. A large book. It was large. It was also very large. It fell at Miss Pyro's feet (Argh, prefabricated redundancy) and opened to page 4,103. She looked down. (REDUNDANT!!!! Reeeeeeeee-dunnnnnnnnn-daaaaaannnnnnnttttt........) "Guidelines for Substitute Mary-Sues in a Legolas Fic". Hunh. "Rule Number 234: No touchie Femme Boy. At least hold off killing him until the two of you have some kind of significant snogfest." The book burst into flames with magical CGI brilliance and dissappeared. The redhead swore loudly. In several languages. Legolas, who had been rather stunned and was hyperventilating, grew a tad bit faint. Fainter, that is, than he already was. Down came the book again. "Rule Number 13: No cursing in different languages. It makes the readers get that puzzled look on their faces and go off to ponder the meaning of life." The book combusted yet again, and a small red slip of paper fluttered from the sky, and landed directly in Pyrogirl's hand. "Violation of Code," it said. "You have been notified of a violation of the Code of Conduct for Substitute Mary-Sues. Please be aware that a warning has been issued before and consequences are to follow. Thank you. You might want to take a step to the left." The slip disintegrated. "So, what's your name?" interrupted Legolas perkily. He had taken the last few sentences to recuperate. Pyro looked at him with annoyance. "Call me Flame, you chauvinistic powderpuff."(Ooooh...........flames. I love flames. So much fun to respond to.) She then made another obscene gesture at the sky, which was apparently where the Fanfiction Author dwelt.  
  
FWUMP.  
  
Down it came, with the force of a few gallon bottles of Clorox and fifteen three-pound wheels of cheese. Right on top of Flame. Legolas stared. This was so entirely confusing..........not to mention the urge to lapse back into character, i.e. movie vegetable or book insane. The stress to stay lovey-dovey and stupid in these Mary- Sues was unbearable........especially when he had to speak in Old English, complete with overenthusiastic 'eth's. He quickly took out a black-and-white bag with the word 'Sephora' on it and sat down on the grass, well away from the two unconscious figures. (Heh...............i love Sephora. Couldn't help but pop this in here. Easter eggs, luvs.) He selected his favorite French perfume and commenced to spray everyone with it, even though he had just sat down. Pretty soon, the odor of kerosene and.weed? was replaced by lovely, lovely violets and lavender with subtle hints of amber and rosewood. Ahhh. Much better.  
  
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, the cast of puzzled characters was interrupted by Neville, who came crashing through for no reason at all. This seemed to clear the air of Brainless Stupor Dust, which the author had apparently scattered in the common room before the fic. Evryone quickly became more animated, excepting Ron, because he apparently wasn't going to get a major part in this one, either. HE went back to picking the lint off his favorite socks. Everyone else nodded their heads in response to the 'food' question and started chatting with the person closest to them. Pretty soon, they were all headed to Hogsmeade in coats and mufflers, since it always seems to be winter there. Except Ron. HE was glowering because no one had invited HIM. Little did he know that HE was going to be the one to witness the *cue dramatic music* COMBINATION OF WORLDS, a well-known Mary Sue phenomenon.  
  
Legolas was very happily applying mascara in his compact mirror when IT happened. No, not the stampede of a thousand rabid bunny rabbits. No, he didn't *gasp* find a zit. Likewise, he didn't *gasp* find that he had facial hair. He and the two unconscious-but-heavenly-smelling girls were sucked into a vortex. Actually, they were tricked into being sucked into Hogwarts by the author, who had turned the mascara wand into a Portkey. Since Legolas was sitting on top of the two comatose Mary-Sue substitutes (for all you impatient people out there: No, I have not revealed who the second comatose figure is. Though you should have guessed by now.) while he was applying his mascara (the twenty-four dollar kind, from Sephora, of course), all three of them were transported rather harshly (FWUMP) onto the floor of the common room, Legolas nearly putting his eye out (never apply eye makeup in a moving vehicle). Ron, who was scowling and muttering to himself, witnessed the arrival. First came the blonde..............was it a guy? A lady? Or *grin* Hemione's hermaphrodite? (yes, I realize that it was a transvestite in the last chapter, I just like alliteration) Next came the punkish-looking girl clutching a huge flamethrower in her right hand. Last came the rumpled figure in a pink bathrobe, with a plug of pot in her left hand. Ron's day was starting to get better. 


	4. The Chapter In Which Nothing Particularl...

CHAPTER 4: Bloodsucking Beauties, Violent Pyros, Etc., Etc. (Subtitled: A Chapter In Which Nothing Significant Happens)  
  
Hee. How're ya likin' it so far? I've decided to add in the Star Wars part later, I've got to find some significant signs of Star Wars Mary Sues. For awhile they were in existence, but they just kind of disappeared. The Femme Boy fics are the most fun, I must admit. Chapter 4: Here's the 'romance' part. Heh. Sort of. The twisted love triangle begins. Muahahahah.  
  
"Wha' the bloody hell..............." The redhead looked up, flamethrower still in hand. Ron looked at her with adoration. She even used his favorite line. And her hair.it was nearly the same shade as his own, just a little more red and with green ends. The pink- robed figure stirred, blinked, looked around.and promptly fell back to the floor. (Hee, my own little SNL tribute- you know the skit where Jimmy Fallon is in dreadlocks and it's like a webcam-type thing in a college dorm? Well, Stoned Girl here is a rendition of Jimmy's best friend in that skit, portrayed by Horatio Sans.......TURKEYBONG! Muahahah) Ron, by this time, had gotten over his string problem and was basking in the irony of it- Harry gets all the attention, all the chicks, all the fun.but now it was Ron's turn. Suck it, Harry, Ron thought happily as the redheaded beauty rose from the floor, the blonde guy pointed deadly weapons at everyone, and the blonde, pink- enveloped and rather skinny figure on the floor rose to a sitting position and began to look lustily at the guy with the bow. Yup. A soap opera, right in his own common room. Imagine that.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Three Broomsticks, Spiderman, Harry, Hermione, and Belwyn the Pallid Obsessive-Compulsive Handwasher were gurgling butterbeer and laughing about the good ol' days. Except every fifteen minutes, Belwyn would get up to wash her hands. When they were done and everyone had had a jolly time, they all returned, laughing and singing and being generally sickeningly happy and lighthearted. Harry approached the Fat Lady, who was gossiping with Violet. "Yeah, and it looks like the poor boy's head over heels in love, and she's got that weapon pointed at him, it's hysterical," Violet tittered. "Ugly whore." "EXCUSE ME, MISTER POTTER?!" "Uh, whoops, wrong password. That was last year's. Um, um, is it.......'I have three-'" "Thank you, that will be all, Mister Potter. It really isn't necessary." "Thanks." They walked right into chaos.  
  
Neville was running around like a maniac, because that's pretty much what he does. Fred and George were egging on the person in the trenchcoat, with the flamethrower. Ron was standing quite motionless and swooning with a flamethrower at his head. Belwyn took one look at the blonde guy with the deadly weapon and fell in love. That smooth, creamy neck.........ahem. "Myyyy naaaaaame iiiiissss.........hey, whussmynameagin?" sang a pink-clad girl perched on the arm of the squashy couch, who promptly fell off when she saw people enter the room. In the midst of all this, there was a 'leer/glarefest' going on: Hermione was staring gooey-eyed at Spidey, who was grinning stupidly at Belwyn, who was looking lustily at Legolas, who was looking back at Belwyn thinking about the beauty he could create with his makeup kit out of the chalk-white vamp-looking girl. Pink Bathrobe was glaring as hatefully as her bleary eyes could muster at Belwyn and singing that her name was Candy (or Caaaaannnnndeeeeeee) while trying unsuccessfully to retrieve her stash of dope from Lavender Brown who was screaming that dope was bad and staring lovingly at Spiderman and trying simultaneously to make Hermione explode with her wand. Hermione, who had stopped staring long enough to cast some ineffective spells around and achieve nothing but making Neville float three inches off the ground, spraying Easy Cheese from her wand onto Candy, and making Legolas's pants disappear. (Muahahah. Thanks to whoever requested that via email.) Pandemonium abruptly halted when Professor McGonagall entered, looking miffed and stick-up-her-ass-ish. The trigger finger paused, the screamers stopped mid-shriek, the bong (hehe) stopped in midair, the rabid staring and spell-casting and swearing and leg-humping and web-shooting all hung in a Matrix-moment suspension. They all stopped and looked at the professor. Whose pissed expression changed when she got a gander of Legolas in his undies. The Evil Minion of Satan Glare was wiped clean off her face, and she turned herself into Heidi Klum and dove into the madness, being beaten almost to death by Belwyn, who then sucked out her blood. Pandemonium began again. 


	5. The Model, the Murderer, the Marijuana, ...

Chapter 5: Hermione Instigates Violence, More Twisted Legolas Humor, and The Tragic Tale of Candy  
  
When Professor McGonagall came to, she was lying on the floor in the Gryffindor common room, which was partially dark. In the corner of the wide room sat Hermione, wrapped in a blanket on a large overstuffed chair, with books piled around her. One of these she was reading by the meager light of a small lamp. "Can you see by that?" Hermione looked up, startled. "Oh, Professor. Lord Almighty, you look something awful." Professor McGonagall heaved herself to her feet and shuffled stiffly to the bathroom. Nothing was broken, but the face of a Victoria's Secret model in the mirror over the sink was a sight to behold, especially since it was a bloody, bruised model's face. A large bluish bruise circled one eye, and blood caked her nose and upper lip. The Professor cleaned up as best she could and went back to join Hermione, who had thoughtfully conjured up a pot of tea. "Thanks," She said apologetically, though we haven't a clue what she was apologizing for. "What are you reading?" "Oh, just a few little studies on drug addiction, pyromania, vampirism, and the human psyche." "Oh. Sounds rather interesting." The Professor sipped her tea and made a face. "Ugh. Can't you make anything better than this?" She tapped a ballpoint pen that was lying around with her wand, and it turned into a mug of.....something, that Hermione couldn't see before Professor McGonagall chugged it like there was no tomorrow. Hermione narrowed her eyes. Something was not right....all at once she had it. She deftly turned her human psyche book into a shining silver pistol with shining silver bullets, and shot Professor McGonagall twice in the heart. Just for good measure, she transfigured her gun into a stake and dragged the body twelve miles to the Hogwarts Train Station, with the help of some illegal Apparation. There she drove the stake into the heart of the bloody and mangled corpse, and drug it into the woods to dispose of the evidence.  
  
In the morning, the entire school was talking about the dissappearance of the Professor, but Hermione said nothing. She knew it would be blamed on the Dark Lord Saur- ahem. On Voldemort, there, better? When the body was found. It was. Everyone was breathing free within three days. Relatively, considering the fact that an apparent deranged killer was stalking the grounds. But back to our story.  
  
Ron had thoughtfully offered his dorm to the three visitors on the night of the untimely demise of the vampiress McGonagall, much to the chagrin of his roomies. Harry was indifferent, he had watched twelve hours of South Park and was barely able to form sentences, much less have a valid argument. Legolas had to find his own place to sleep, which was relatively difficult, because he was assaulted by fangirls wherever he went. Eventually he just slipped some horse tranquilizers into Hagrid's coffee and decided to stay there, and within two hours of his calim of the cottage had it looking, by some strange display of Elven Decorating Superability, like a lovely little country cottage, complete with rose-and-lattice-printed wallpaper. Except for the bathroom, which resembled the Max Factor Makeover Studio, complete with ultra-pure white lights and mirrors covering three walls. Spidey soon took up residence with Legolas and they formed their own fraternity of sorts, aptly dubbed the 'Fellowship of the Super-Hot and Gorgeous Guys With Over Four Billion Fangirls Worldwide'. The word 'ego' was suggested at several key moments in the naming of the frat by numerous outside parties, but it was eventually struck out of the proper title.  
  
By this time everyone had become somewhat acquainted with each other, some more than others. Belwyn had immediately abandoned Harry and Co. and had set her sights on Legolas, who was bent on turning her into a beauty queen. Flame was trying to find a way to get out of the Fanfic Love policy, which stated that she had to be the infatuation of at least one member of the fic, i.e. Ron Weasley. She spent most of her time during those first few hours of their meeting trying to deter him from making her use the flamethrower. Candy was, well, here's Candy's Story.  
  
Once upon a time, in our world, lived a fangirl named Candice. Of course,being the stereotypical fangirl she was, she wrote many a Mary-Sue, in which her name was Candicellamenlamenwen. But we'll stick with Candy.  
  
Candy was your normal Legolas fangirl Mary- Sue, blonde and thin as they all were. And she could squeal with the best of them. She was also a talented webmistress, having created a total of four successful Legolas fansites, two with lovely lovely pictures. They were very lovely, if you get my drift. But Candy's parents were getting worried. She had started to withdraw into her room more often than usual, and spent waaaay too much time on the Internet, and had pictures of her lovely lovely celeb crush plastered all over her room. Her parents, stupid mortals as they were, decided it was some kind of teenage mental health disorder and sent her to a shrink.  
  
The sad part; yes, it is near. The shrink they sent her to was none other than the all-knowing and wise Master Yoda, who saw nothing better to do to the poor girl and her horrible case of Fangirlism, decided to erase her memory. But he couldn't just do the Jedi hand-wave memory-wipe thing on her as his Jedi Arts Practicing License had been revoked and he was on probation for shoplifting from Saks Fifth Avenue. The only alternative to brain surgery and Memory Wipe were drugs or a sharp knock on the head, but Yoda couldn't risk having another lawsuit against him. Drugs. Illegal ones, as those were easy to obtain from a few select communicatins, and Yoda was not liscensed to issue a perscription. He also knew that the girl's strange behavior would be blamed on drug use, and hopefully she would be caught and rehabilitated before she died a horrible death but after she lost most of he brain cells that contained memories. Yeah, that was Yoda's plan, and in those exact words too.  
  
So he phoned up Jedi Master Strawberry and hooked Candy up with four marijuana plants, which she kept in her room covered in silk flowers so as to add a decorative touch to the décor. Her parents, being the imbeciles they were, decided to go on an indefinite vacation to Tahiti and leave their rapidly- deteriorating daughter home alone.  
  
So she got on the Net one day when she wasn't too stoned and did the standard Mary-Sue-sucked-through-computer-into-Middle-Earth thing (curiosly, a red screen with writing appeared before she was sucked in) and well, here we are. And now she was being told incessantly by that sweet Lavender Brown that she MUST NOT SMOKE POT, and that her mind might yet be saved, if she was lucky. She just might consider that. And so began the Rehabilitation of the Fangirl, the only true fangirl in the tag-team replacement group she had been thrust into. She started attending rehab classes the second day at Hogwarts, since she had no idea how she got there in the first place and Lavender was now her best friend. This was the turning point. (oOoooOOooooOOoo...Return of the Fangirls, I smell a sequel..)  
  
Ah, a relatively humorless chapter, sigh. I figured our readers might want a serious moralistic discussion on why not to do drugs, mreh. But anyway, just to irk you people who thought this chapter was a piece of crap, I'm going to add a spoiler: This chapter was supposed to be where the fangirl comes back to claim her throne as a true fangirl , and upset the careful balance of oddities and perfect perfectness in our little cast of characters, causing a tumultuous battle of wit, nerve, and skill; I haven't a clue when that's going to happen, because I don't plan my plots in advance. Have a nice day. 


	6. Pop Rocks and Giant Snakes, Which Are Un...

Chapter 6: Enter The Pop Rocks and Albus Dumbledore  
  
"So," Ron was sitting in the former cottage of Hagrid, which had been transformed into a lovely country cottage with major makeover studio in back. In less than six hours. Yeah. Well, ANYWAY, he was surrounded by Spiderman, who was perched on a web swing hanging from one of the new rosebud-shaped sconces tastefully lining the wall; Belwyn, who was having cold cream applied to her paperwhite face; Legolas, who was trying to avoid the odd stare of the girl he was making over (when she went to wash her hands, he slapped a little cold cream on himself when he thought no one was looking); Harry, who was sulking in the corner by himself; Hermione, who was the only one listening intently to Ron; and Candy, who was leaning casually against the wall, smoking a quick joint before her next rehab class. She really was going to benefit from those, since Lavender had pressured her into going. Flame was out in back, cleaning out her flamethrower, since she had apparently already heard Ron's spiel. He cleared his throat and began again. "You're probably wondering why you're here, uh, we really don't know......" Legolas groaned loudly. "Ahem. But we aim to make your stay as comfy as possible. It must have something to do with the fangirls.you all know that by now. You should. Another groan from Legolas, who was now working on the huge circles under Belwyn's eyes (Belwyn was still staring rapturously, and every once in awhile she would whip out some hand sanitizer and scrub fervently). Hermione came to the rescue once again: "Here, Legolas, eat this." She opened a small, flat packet and poured some strange, coarse pink gravel- like stuff into Legolas's outstretched hand. "What's that?" asked Ron. "Pop Rocks. Muggle sweet. Results are rather amusing." Legolas let out the expected girly shriek and ran maniacally outside, spitting and jumping like a hyperactive monkey. "Thanks. Now, if we can continue..... I think that each of you needs to tell us your complete story, all of it, so that we know what's going on." Surprisingly, Candy spoke up. "What makes you think we wanna put a kid like you in charge?" Nobody spoke, though everyone sent sidelong glances toward Candy, pretending not to be as astounded as they really were at hearing her utter a coherent sentence. They all assumed that her brain had been fried long ago. Even so, everyone nodded in agreement and looked accusingly at Ron. "I, uh, well-" Hermoine mercifully cut him off. "Well, if you think we're so young and stupid, why don't you go see the Headmaster?" Belwyn, who had previously been ignoring the conversation and waiting for her makeup artist to come back in and give her a massage (maybe then she's be able to get a little bite) drawled, "Heh. Yeah, I wonder why no one thought of that before? He's a magic guy, right?" "Yes," said Hermione huffily, "The best magic guy, ever." Their little meeting was interrupted by a mighty whoosh of flame, shooting up from behind the house. "Flame..." Ron murmured. He pushed back the pink rose- printed curtains and saw her flame- broiling the largest snake he had ever seen. It was at least twelve feet long, bright poison green, thick as a bedpost, and on fire, of course. Flame, glancing back towards the window to see them all watching, shouted happily, "I GOT that sucker, didn't I?" And she had. The snake, permanently singed, had slithered off into the woods, admitting defeat. Harry spoke up sullenly from the corner where he still sat, "I could have asked it why it was here." "Yeah, yeah, we know." Candy again. She had discarded her smoke and was now heading for the door, ready to go to her rehab class. "See y'all later!"  
  
Half an hour later, they had left the cottage and were on their way to Albus Dumbledore's office. They met up with Legolas who was trying unsuccessfully to eat in the Great Hall, as a dozen young witches had found him and were hanging all over him. "Come on, we're going to see Dumbledore, the headmaster." Ron was obviously not aware of how tight they could hold on. "Okay," said Legolas, as the girls stroked and petted him, showing no signs of ceasing their lovely activity. One of them licked his cheek, and he grimaced. "Uh, girls, I have to go..." Several of them began to weep vehemently. "I'll, uh, I'll be back..." They perked up at this, but none of them really let go, for they were latched onto him so tightly that prying them off would be an impossible task. "Help," he mouthed to Ron. "No, let me," offered Flame, pushing Ron aside and flipping the safety catch on her flamethrower. "Move it, girlies, or you're toast!" She sent a dramatic tongue of flame up to the ceiling, sending the fangirls screaming. "Damn males. Always got to have a woman around to get them out of their pathetic little ordeals." They proceeded.  
  
"Candy cane! Chocolate frog! Jelly bean!" Harry couldn't remember the password, as usual. "Cockroach cluster?" That one had worked last time, but now the door stayed firmly shut. "COME ON YOU &*(^%^% PILE OF &*%$ !!!!!!!!!! The door opened.  
  
"Mr. Headmaster?" Harry inquired softly, as he appeared to be asleep. Dumbledore's head jerked up. "Oh, Harry! Nice to see you! Pop Rock?" Harry shook his head. "No thanks, I have an important question. Or rather, Ron has an important question. I'm just helping. Although I don't know why...." He pouted, and Ron ushered all the new arrivals in. Pandemonium. Hermione began to back towards the door, afraid that Dumbledore would know who killed McGonagall. Spiderman scooped up handfuls out of the bowl of pop rocks and strutted around, picking up the stuff on the shelves as he crunched. Belwyn stood, looking blasé, in a corner with her bottle of hand sanitizer. Legolas took one look at Dumbledore and shrieked. "AIEEEEEEE!!! GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN!!! HE IS THE DARK LORD!! OR *A* DARK LORD!!! " He nocked an arrow and prepared to shoot Dumbledore at point- blank. Harry squeaked and dove in front of the headmaster, and Hermione rushed back in to explain that Dumbledore was not the Dark Lord. She quickly blurted out some explanation that not all men with beards were evil. Hermione sighed. The last thing she needed was another murder on her hands. And for Count Dooku to show up. THAT was the last thing she needed. 


	7. A New Antagonist, Or Is She An Antagonis...

Chapter 7: Hey, Sherlock, Your Hair Is On Fire  
  
Dumbledore stared placidly at the unruly group, waiting for silence. Legolas refused to put down his bow, so Flame did the best she could: She hit him on the back of the head with the butt of her flamethrower and knocked him out. "One day I'm gonna blow up every single man that so much as looks at me," she growled. Ron stared at her; he was rather afraid of her now. Hermione grabbed Spidey and pulled him towards the door. Maybe she should tell him what she'd done....? No, better not to. She had to find the culprit on her own. She slipped out the door.  
  
When everyone was calmed down and looking expectantly at Dumbledore, he began in a harsh, eau-de-movie whisper. "What....brings you...here?" Ron blinked, as he had the feeling he'd already asked that question. "We need to find out why these guys are here and how to get them back." "There are no coincidences. The mascara was made into a portkey for a reason." "Hunh? How'd you know about that?" "This." Dumbledore held up a script entitled, "Social Misfits in Mary Sue Land, Final Copy". "I'm not allowed to say anything that's not in the script. It seems the author wants you to figure it out in your own. Oh, dear, I didn't mean to let that slip..." And he disappeared with a puff of smoke, and a small red slip of paper drifted down to the floor. "Script Violation," it read. "You, Albus Dumbledore, are no longer a part of this fic. STICK TO THE SCRIPT, YOU SENILE OLD MAN!! Nyuk nyuk nyuk." Ron picked up the paper and shoved it in his pocket, and the little company of victims from crossover hell filed silently out, except for Legolas.  
  
The moment Legolas had been knocked out, every fangirl in the school felt it. Most chose to ignore it, several didn't know what it was because they didn't know they were fangirls, but the most devoted and chivalrous of them rushed to him at once, whether they were in class, asleep, or eating. They used their Fangirl Emergency Radar to find him; the radar is much like the force that enables a mother to lift a car in order to save her child. There were four of them. One was a Slytherin, one a Gryffindors, one was a Ravenclaw, one was a teacher. The new Defense Against The Dark Arts professor was young and beautiful, because this is a fanfic, and very, very odd. She never spoke aside from when she was teaching, and always wore long, black, flowing robes. She kept her hood up, and very few people had actually seen her entire face and head. Just for the record though, she was pale and black-haired and could have been Belwyn's sister, aside from the handwashing and the corpseishness. Parvati Patil, Cho Chang, and Susan Barnes looked at the body of their beloved in the empty room, not sure what to do. They all looked expectantly at the teacher, who was smiling under her hood, her face clothed in shadow. "You have come," She said in a soft, low, velvety voice that was hard to hear. The three girls nodded. "Are you the only ones of your kind?" Cho spoke up. "No, there are others, but only we cared enough to help him in his time of need." "I sense that there are others about, namely one. She is a newcomer here. Have you not questioned how he got here?" Three heads shook. "Good. It is better that way. Best to leave it to me." They stared stupidly at her, much like in Chapter One. "Now, I will heal him. Move, dears, it is only a minor injury. But we must never speak of this meeting. I am your teacher, that is all." The girls nodded, and the cloaked figure bent over the body of the blonde young man (yeah, BLONDE. When it's a guy's hair, you're supposed to say blond, but does Leggie's hair LOOK like a guy's hair? I think not.) and stroked his hair. She took a small, delicate glass bottle from somewhere inside her robes and opened the mouth of the unconscious Legolas. She unstoppered the bottle and poured a little of the clear, fragrant liquid down his throat. She waved her hand once and his labored breathing became even. She chanted as she waved, and none of the girls could make out the words or even the language used. Their teacher, whose name had formerly been Miss Lacey, looked up at the girls and said, "When I am with you girls, my name is Koname. It means 'Moonglow' in some obscure American Indian language, if you're wondering. Meet me in the West Tower, midnight tomorrow. Don't be late. If you do not show, you will remember none of this, nothing that happened today at all. And I have forseen it, one or more of you will not show. It is inevitable. Go now, back to your classes. I will tend to him now. And you must speak to NO ONE about this. It shouldn't matter, because you won't be able to. Please, I don't mean you any harm, but just in case...." She raised her hand, still kneeling, and muttered an incantation. "There. Now even if you try, you won't be able to speak about it. If you do not show up tomorrow and your memory of tonight is erased, as it will be, this protective jynx will be lifted and you will be able to speak free again. Go now. I will tend to my beloved." They left, quite confused. Two of them planned to skip the meeting; it was all too weird. But one of them would show.  
  
Hermione was in the library, reading the tiny print in mountains of dusty tomes. Vampirism. How to become a vampire. How to ward off vampires. It was all too vague. She had taken to carrying garlic with her and made sure all her friends did, too, though they scorned her. Ever since the murder she had become very wary of anyone who seemed out of place. She even contemplated going to see Professor Trelawney about having a future- reading done, to see if she would haveto kill any more vampires. Professor Trelawney had taken over Professor McGonagall's old job for now, and would undoubtedly be replaced, but Transfiguration had lost its fun for the time being. Her old job had been given to that new teacher, Miss Lacey, who also taught Defense Against the Dark Arts. Hermione didn't like Miss Lacey, there was something...fishy about her. Maybe she was Canadian? Hermione decided that was part of the problem, as that was a pretty good excuse. At fist she thought that Miss Lacey had been a necromancer or dabbled in some other illegal magic, but that wasn't it.....she reminded Hermione of someone. And she hardly ever used a wand. That was what was so odd, Hermione thought. Only twice had she seen Miss Lacey ever use a wand. She waved her hand a lot, and sometimes in the hall when you passed her you might hear her singing, so softly, in some other language. And she had an aura about her....was she a sorceress? Sorcery was different from magic; Magic was regulated and governed, and sorcery dealt with geomancy and immense power, that one was born into, and the natural ability to See into the future and go back in time and other bizarre and highly illegal things. Ron had mentioned that his brother Charlie occasionally came across a sorcerer in the woods of some out- of- the- way countries, hold up in the woods all alone. Hermone finished her pile of vampire books and found one on sorcery, which had to be read with a magnifying glass, as it was handwritten in a curly, elaborate style and was nearly impossible to read with the naked eye. She heard a snicker behind her. Someone turned off the lantern that was perched on a small end table directly behind Hermione's chair. She whirled around, rather angrily, magnifying glass still in hand. Candy snickered again. "Your hair's on fire, Sherlock. You had your head practically in the lamp." And she dumped her glass of water on Hermione, and left. 


	8. A Realtively Humourless Chapter

Chapter 8: The Star Wars Part Is Highly Diminished, and The Unlikely Heroine (A Relatively Humorless Chapter)  
  
A/N: When I first decided to write this, I planned to include a big part about Star Wars and all the crazy Ewan-and-Hayden fangirls, but, truth to tell, I have run out of inspiration. I mean, the Star Wars trilogy is the best series of movies of all time. SO WHY ARE THERE NOT MORE FANGIRLS?! I have determined several things about the absence of SW fangirls.  
  
All the Luke Skywalker fangirls are now at least twenty- five.  
  
All the Obi-Wan Kenobi fangirls were turned off by his facial hair in Episode 2 and migrated to being Anakin fangirls.  
  
3. All the Anakin fangirls have turned into Legolas fangirls, just to spite me.  
  
Yeah. So now, without further ado, I will try my best at incorporating Star Wars fangirls into my fic, and I will then lament on how much Episode 2 sucked.  
  
Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme were sitting around a table in the Jedi Temple, playing strip poker. Ho-hum. Padme was winning, to the chagrin of Obi-Wan. Anakin really didn't care, because he was watching 'The Nightmare Before Christmas" for the fiftieth time on his holoprojector. Because of this he was wearing only a sock. The game droned on, Padme kept winning, it was all very dull. Then, all of a sudden, Padme let out a bloodcurdling shriek, and died. All at once the Jedi were on their feet, lightsabers at the ready, prepared to attack. WHAT was that? A dark shape lurked in the corner...a growl issued from somewhere in the shadows..all of a sudden it was upon them, and it let out a howl that was comparable to the wail of a mating timberwolf. Fluffy, pink, it was like Chibiusa and a Hell Hound combined. And with it came a girl, a perfectly normal girl, with curly brown hair in messy pigtails. "Hunh," said the girl, as the lightsabers flashed around her, oblivious to the whole scene. "Would ya lookit that! Loooookit that." The pink blur stopped, the lightsabers were quelled, all looked at the curly- haired girl with interest and suspicion. "Hi!" She said perkily, apparently not disturbed at all. "I guess this is a dream, ain't it? If this's a dream, I s'pose I must be in some kinda parallel universe, hunh? What's y'all's names? I'm Chevette, but you can be right free to call me Chevy." "Like, Chevy Chase?" "Well, yeah. Say, yore not wearin' a stitch! Jeezus, this's the weirdest damn dream I ever done had..." "Looks nice to me," piped up a small, sweet, annoyingly cute voice from the space which had previously been occupied by the pink blur. Another girl, whose age couldn't be determined in the slightest, had emitted the voice. She could have been anywhere from five to fifteen, as she was completely two- dimensional. She wore a pink, poofy, very short dress with a pinafore (Ever seen what 'Cardcaptor Sakura' wears? Or that pink thing that Nurse Joy wears, from the demonic sending that is Pokemon? Yeah, kind of along those lines.) and white stockings with white Mary Janes. She had an adorable face, with overlarge eyes and a perturbingly innocent expression. Her hair was a golden halo about her, pouffed and curled immaculately. Her voice was as sweet as sugary honey. Everyone in the room wanted to watch her suffer through a long, painful death by Sarlacc. And so went the beginning of the Star Wars segment of this fic.  
  
When Hermione got back to the cottage, she suddenly wondered why everyone was gathered there and why she had felt the compulsion to go there. Her hair was several inches shorter and done in a bob, which greatly improved her overall look. Inside the cozy cottage, a cheery fire burned in the fireplace, and the two Hogwarts students and five aliens were gathered around, talking enthusiastically. Wait, there were only THREE aliens. Legolas and Candy were missing. "Hi, guys, what's up? Where're the other two?" No one glanced up, but in one fluid movement they all scrunched closer to Ron, who had a laptop and appeared to be perusing fanfiction.net. "HELLO, WHAT IS EVERYONE DOING?!" Hermione roared, startling the group. "Oh, hi, Hermione. Nice hair. Hey, do you read fanfiction?" Ron looked at her expectantly. "Uh, not really. Why?" "Because we're trying to figure out what happens when crossovers mysteriously disappear. Flame suggested real- world Legomance." "What? Disappear? Like, disapparate? And what on earth is a real- world whatever?" "Legomance. It's when some freaky author decides to plop ol' Leggie into cities, namely New York in the States. And Candy and him are missing. Not disapparated, just...missing." Hermione's blood ran cold. The vampires...had they lured the two unknowing victims to their deaths? In the corner, Belwyn smiled smugly, seeing the panic on Hermione's face. She absently rubbed some Purell onto her palms, thinking how much fun it would be to bust her dear sister. For she and three other souls knew of the event that would take place that night. No one knew for sure how Belwyn had found out, maybe it was merely a sister's intuition. Meanwhile, in the West Tower, Koname plotted. And Belwyn was going to stop her.  
  
Candy was sore and cramped from crouching in the shadows of the Ravenclaw girls' dorm. It was barely even nine o'clock, and she had been watching Cho Chang for over an hour, waiting for her to leave at midnight for the meeting with the mysterious lady. Candy had merely been there by accident when Miss Lacey had met with the three students, as she had been coming back from her rehab course to find that Dumbledore's office had already been vacated by Ron and Company. Her head was clearer than it had been for weeks, clear as it was before she started smoking pot. Apparently the wizard rehab included some kind of anti- marijuana spell, because those classes were supposed to take months and months, not three days. But Candy, who had forgotten the way she came, decided to sit and watch the somber little group converse. And so she learned of the plans of Koname. Candy knew much more about J.K. Rowlings' books than the rest of her fellow misfits, as she had actually read the books and seen the movie. She knew Cho would be the one who would show at the midnight tower meeting, because Cho was somewhat of a main character, and this was a fanfic. So she took it upon herself to find out what was going on, and what they were going to do with that lovely blonde boy...her memories of fangirlism were slowly returning. She had been crouching in that frozen position for so long, and she was rather sleepy...Candy nodded off.  
  
"Dammit, Cho, you can do this. Do it for yourself. Do it for Miss Lacey. Do it for your beloved, Cho. Do it for Legolas." Candy awoke to Cho having a mental pep- talk with herself. "Okay, Cho, nothing to be scared of, just a little meeting......hunh, I wonder why the hex is letting me talk, must not have been very well cast, I could've cast a better one........" She rambled on and on, all the while pulling on the darkest robe she could find, which was a rather faded black. A black ski mask went on next, making her appear to be a slasher-film antagonist. Lastly, out of her pocket she took a small, withered hand holding a candle stump. "Best friend of thieves and plunderers.and me........glory......" she muttered. The clock on the table next to her clicked over to eleven thirty. It would take at least half an hour to reach the tower undetected, even though no one ever went up there it was always best to be cautious. Out she slipped, and behind her came Candy, a little groggy but quickly recovering. She stayed about thirty feet behind Cho, making sure to take the right turns in the winding hallway. She had no candle, and kept bumping into walls in the darker parts, but she kept pace with Cho remarkably well, for a half- asleep and out-of-shape former drug addict. Finally Cho reached the tower, a little late but surely, surely Miss Lacey-Koname- would still be there.......she paused at a narrow door labeled 'WEST' in tarnished, old silver numbers. This....this appeared to be a storage closet. She rapped twice, timidly, unsure of herself. Fortunately for Candy, the hallway was at least twelve feet wide and pitch black, so she didn't even really have to hide; she stayed at the end near the stairs that they had just ascended. The only indication of a door set into the wall was a sliver of light coming from a crack at the base of the wall, this, she supposed, must be the entrance to the West tower, as there were no other slivers or evidence of more stairs or anything further down. By the meager light coming from the door she saw Cho raise her arm slowly, heard the knocks, saw the door creak slowly open to reveal a hooded face.....Koname. "I thought you wouldn't show," admonished the velvety voice, gently let hinting disapproval. Candy saw the dark form usher in the masked Ravenclaw, and crept closer to the door. There was no way she could get inside, but she could listen.  
  
Cho gasped as she entered the closet. It wasn't a closet at all, but a lovely little room....about the size of a bedroom, but rather cramped. A gigantic canopied bed with heavy dark-blue curtains took up a whole corner, as did a large blue overstuffed chair and a blue-painted bookcase. The entire wall that faced out was made of windows, a wall of glass framed by heavy blue velvet, as on the bed. The view was astonishing. It offered a look at the lake and the forest beyond, the full moon hung over the blanket of stars and the sky, which was the same color as the walls and curtains and chair, and peppered with stars, the same silvery glowing white as the soft fur rug underfoot. Cho took a short, gasping breath, and did not let her eyes leave the window until she ran into a second overstuffed blue chair and toppled with a thump to the floor, which was very hard despite the fuzzy white rug. It was positively unreal....she picked herself up and was motioned to sit in the fat blue chair opposite the other, where Koname had arranged herself with the posture of Queen Amidala and the grace of Rocky Balboa. She was a very imposing figure indeed, here on her own turf, so much unlike the quiet, submissive Miss Lacey that Cho panicked and thought she had the wrong lady, and made a quick scramble for the door before being reassured that the woman in black was, in fact, her teacher. "You are wondering why you are here," she said. "Uh....yeah," said Cho, uncertainly. "Okay, listen, girlie, if you're gonna hang with me, you've gotta learn to be less of a feeb." Snapped Koname, and within seconds a red 'Violation' slip floated down. 'Sorry," she grimaced. "Okay, gotta stick to my character, now, let's start over." She cleared her throat, and they began their conversation again, Cho very much confused. She shrugged to herself and decided to play along. "You are the chosen one, Cho. I had hoped it would be my own sister, as I can feel her presence very near, but alas, she had turned to the Dark Side and become a vampire." Vampire?! Cho smiled and nodded understandingly, the woman was obviously batty (no pun intended.) There were no vampires at Hogwarts. And yet....there were things and people that weren't supposed to be there....and WERE....like her beloved.... "So I set out to look for a promising subject. It is only a coincidence that he appeared when he did, my angel..." Koname looked longingly at the canopy bed, whose curtains had pulled themselves back to reveal the unconscious form of Legolas. "But....why, Miss Lacey?" "Koname. I am Koname." "Okay, fine, whatever..WHY?!" "Because it is your destiny, and mine." "WHAT is my destiny?" "To create a kingdom of fangirls, of course. You know how they have that freaky conformist society in North Korea?" "Yeah. Portraits of their leader everywhere, and Communist support, and junk." "Well, you and I must work together to purify Hogwarts....we must make it into a haven for fangirls, all the boys will be sent away, we will all live happily together with my darling, who is mine and mine alone, we will.....and I shall be Queen, and he shall be King, and I will adopt you as my own daughter..." Cho stared. "You want me to help you take over Hogwarts and be your daughter?" "Yeah, pretty much." "Okay. Sure. There's one catch, though.......if I was your adopted daughter, I'd be HIS kid, and that would be gross, because I have him on my screensaver and all over the walls of my room." "Oh, well, that's understandable. You can be my chief advisor, then." "Okay, but wouldn't they, all the fangirls I mean, wouldn't they kill you in order to have him?" "Yeah, you have a point. Okay, I just want to take over." "But wouldn't the Ministry stop you?" "Yeah........" Koname paused. "Okay, new plan. How about we keep him here so we can drool over him all we want?" "That's more like it." "How about Spidey? Someone told me that they had seen that Hermione girl with Spiderman." "Okey- doke. I'll hire someone to get him for us." And so they struck a deal. They were going to hold Legolas and Spidey captive. Outside, Candy snickered. What a lame plan. She rushed off to inform Weasley and Friends about the plot. All of a sudden, at the bottom of the stairs, a tongue of fire flared up, accompanied by the light that fire usually gives off. Flame. "Flame! Flame! It's me, Candy!" "Candy! There you are!," Whispered Flame, grabbing Candy's arm and ragging her down the hall by the light of the omnipresent flamethrower. "What the bloody hell're you doing here? We've been looking for you for hours! It's just by luck I happened to come up this way, I thought it was the entrance to the dorms...say, where are we, anyway? And where's that good-for-nothing wuss?" Candy poured out her story to Flame. And so began the Siege of the Fangirls. 


	9. Operation Fangirl Storm, And The Council...

Chapter 9: Siege of the Fangirls, Stages One and Two: Minutemen and Ex- Comm, and the Council of Ron  
  
A/N: I'd like to give a big "THANK YOOOOOOOUU!!!!" to one reviewer: RegFrankieFan. I was getting ready to quit this script once and for all, and let the characters waste away (Like my other fic, 'Highway Fifty-One', which hasn't died yet; I will try and keep it alive). But it only takes one review.....if I hadn't quit my fics, I probably would have kept writing only for the fans and the sake of reviews, not for my own twisted enjoyment. You know, 'Ten reviews for another chapter', that kind of thing. But one simply heartfelt review has kept me writing, and there's even going to be a sequel. Thanks again. It only takes one review when you're feeling down, folks. Just one. *hugs all the reviewers * Muahahah, I'm sure none of you wanted me to do that...*evil cackle *  
  
"OoOOOOoOOOoOo!!!! JEDI!" squealed the pink anime thing. "You're so haaaaandsommmmme...." It patted Anakin's head, as if he were some bizarre dog that had fallen into nuclear waste and then been combined (by genetic screwing around) with a human. Anakin passed out, and before he hit the floor, he disappeared. Obi- Wan, seeing his padawan being fondled by that THING (Wolf? Human? Monster?) and then disappearing, did likewise, vanishing into thin air. "What in tarnation's goin' on?" Chevy, who appeared to be some kind of redneck hybrid who occasionally spoke like a nineteenth-century-esque cowgirl/sheriff. The anime thing hit her over the head with a paperweight, and she lost consciousness and disappeared. The anime thing knew what was going on. And she was loving it. She hit herself with the paperweight, and departed.  
  
FWUMP. FWUMP. FWUMP. FWUMP. They landed, one by one, in the Gryffindor common room, which was occupied by Neville, Fred, and George. Well, Fred and George had somehow hung Neville on the chandelier and were trying to get him down. "Well, would you look at that, George," commented Fred (it could have been George). "Blimey! Two Jedi, a redneck/cowgirl, and a creepy anime werewolf! Hey, check it out, in this fic I KNOW ALL," said George (it could have been Fred). "MPH!" remarked Neville, whose mouth had been duct- taped shut. "Dontcha love duct tape, Fred?" "I sure do, George." "Wanna go introduce Professor Lupin to the anime thing?" "Sure." And with that, they dragged away the nameless anime girl and left the other unconscious fic- victims on the floor.  
  
Hermione was on a mission. While the others prepared to storm the tower room that night, she was preparing for a different infiltration. Operation Garlic Attack. Tonight, the vampire would strike again, and she would be there to stop it. She was dressed much as Cho had been the night before, though it was nine in the morning and the others were still planning Stage One of their Operation Fangirl Storm. She strapped on a survival package and attached several anti-vampire devices to her belt, including a crucifix, a few cloves of garlic, her silver-bullet gun, and a stake. In her hair was perched a tiara of rowan. If she could catch the vampire in the daytime, before it struck again...Hermione picked up the phone and ordered seven hundred garlic pizzas, using the Force to avoid paying. A brilliant plan, she thought. Brilliant.  
  
Stage I: The Planning Stage  
  
In the cottage, Ron and Spidey planned for all they were worth, with Candy as a stenographer/ tape recorder.  
  
1.Spidey and Belwyn would leave at nine o'clock, dressed appropriately, and head into the woods where they would request the aid of the spiders.  
  
2.They would then head back to the cottage, where Ron (not wanting to be around the spiders, of course) would page Firenze and Friends (hee, I made a rhyme) and ask them to use their Crappy CGI Powers to fix Ron's wand (no, not THAT way, you perverted morons) and create a diversion.  
  
3.Hermione, who, if she was around (she hadn't been all there for the past few days; Ron was pretty sure she wouldn't show) would use the "Petrificus Totalus" thing on Harry and steal his wand and invisibility cloak.  
  
3 ½.If Hermione didn't show, then they would tranquilize him and leave him there.  
  
4. After that was done, around midnight Candy would lead Flame and Spidey to the tower room to reclaim Legolas and hopefully trap Koname, while Ron gathered the recruits (they would begin recruiting a volunteer wizard militia as soon as they were finished planning) and got ready to storm the room if Flame should give the signal to move in. Belwyn would alert the Ministry of Magic if things got bad.  
  
All were equipped with walkie-talkies and various weapons, some more so than others. All decked out in full gear, Ron, Spidey, and Candy looked like guerilla warriors that had been laid off several times and had to make do. Flame always looked like a slightly insane bounty hunter, so her appearance didn't change when she was tricked out in her scout/spy outfit. Since this is technically a Mary-Sue, I, the author, must devote an entire section to what everyone was wearing.  
  
Ron: Ron's Operation Fangirl Storm outfit was a hand-me-down black turtleneck, a black ski mask, black pants, and black leather gloves, which he had found at a cheap thrift store. One of them was stained with blood, but they were still serviceable. On trying them on, Ron found that inside the bloody one was a gum wrapper on which the words "KATO IS GOING DOWN" and "SUCK IT JUDGE ELI" had been scrawled. (Heh. Note to self: Never shop in British wizard thrift stores). He was quite satisfied with his outfit, as it had been either that or a discarded Royal Guard outfit (Is that what they're called? Big fuffy hat, red uniform? Hey, I'm no Brit. Though I've heard they have great weather in London. Nice foggy damp greyness.)  
  
Hermione: No one knew, as they had not seen her.  
  
Flame: An outfit similar to the ones worn by the US Army, though dyed black, and a Zorro mask, with combat boots and a bandolier full of tranquilizer darts. Topped off with a black cape in case it got cold, fingerless gloves, a bandolier of tranquilizer darts, and the omnipresent flamethrower.  
  
Candy: Candy had borrowed a black catsuit from Flame, who had been shopping in Hogsmeade. She also wore a hockey facemask she had found in the quidditch supply shed.  
  
Belwyn: Her usual outfit.  
  
Spidey: The usual spandex duds.  
  
When the initial planning was through, Candy left the tape recorder on the table. "Now, in case we don't make it, they can listen to this and find out what happened." "Great. I think we're ready, hunh, Ron?" "Yeah, we're ready, Pete. But we need to hold a final meeting before we take any action. Gather the rest of our people." "Aye aye, Captain." Spidey left to find Hermione, Flame, and Belwyn.  
  
He found Belwyn in the bathroom, washing her hands. "Come on. You're wanted in the living room. We're going to hold a meeting of Operation Fangirl Storm." "So, what am I, like Ex-Comm? I don't exactly have a big part in this plan, you know. I should. I know Koname." "What? Why? How?" "Easy on the interrogatives, big fella. She's my sister. Guess I should have told you earlier, eh?" "Yes. Go tell Ron. He'll probably appoint you Chief Advisor, or something." Belwyn shrugged. " 'Kay," Off she flounced, as Spidey shook his head and muttered.  
  
He found Flame in back of the cottage, beating an old man to death with a pointy stick. "YOU *whack * MOTHERFUCKING *whack* MISOGYNIST *whack* PERVERT! *whack*" "GAH! Flame, what the hell are you DOING?" "This old guy says he's a cousin of Dumbledore. He told me I was WEIRD and PRETTY. He should die." "Um, okay. Does he have a name?" "Calls himself *whack * Gandalf. He came with a dude named Merlin but I already set him on fire." "Um....oh. Uh, Ron's holding a meeting. You're wanted there." "Since when did they make HIM king? He's twelve fucking years old. The only reason he's in charge is because he's a MALE." "Um, Flame, language please. There is a family audience." "Oh, shut your piehole, Spiderboy." "He's in charge because he knows the place, Flame. The layout of this castle is tricky, and..." "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming." She gave the body of the old guy one more whack, and sullenly stomped into the cottage, leaving poor Spiderman shaking and traumatized for life. (Yeah. You go girl.)  
  
He found Hermione passing out garlic pizza to the populace in the Great Hall. "What are you DOING?! You're supposed to be helping with (he lowered his voice) Fangirl Storm." "Listen, Spidey, I'm on another wavelength; I'm on another mission. I'm trying to find the vampire that got McGonagall. He'll strike again tonight, I know he will." And she told him her entire story. "And if I kill him before tonight, I promise I'll help. I promise." Spidey looked at her in amazement. "So...it was you....who killed...." "Yes. It was for her own good and the good of everyone else here. I'll come to your little council, but after that I've got to get back to my vamp hunting. It's not going very well, though, everyone seems to love garlic pizza. I've tested everyone except you guys." "Are you sure that he's still here? I mean, it's kind of hard to tell if it's a student or not, right?" "Impossible to tell, though I have a hunch....." Hermione trailed off. It was so obvious who the vampire was that it wasn't even funny. "DUH! I've been so stupid! She's been right under my nose!" And Hermione took off for the cottage, Spidey trailing behind. How had he gotten into this?  
  
Stage II: The Council of Ron  
  
In back of the cottage, in lawn chairs arranged in a circle, sat the elite members of Operation Fangirl Storm, (including Hermione, who was waiting for the precise time to expose Belwyn as a killer and a vampire)Ex- Comm.(You know, Kennedy's team of elite advisors during the Cuban Missile Crisis.) Ron, the Commander-in-Chief of OFS, adjusted his tiara. On the right side of him sat the Chief Intelligence Advisor, Belwyn, who knew how Koname's mind worked. On the other side sat Flame, who was both the Secretary of Defense and the Commander-in-Chief of the infiltration department. To her left was Spiderman, next to him was Candy, and next to Candy was Hermione. Harry demanded to be part of the circle, and sat in the middle. "Let the Council of Ron begin," began the Press Secretary/Commander- in-Chief of the magic department/vampire hunter, Hermione. "I will begin this Council by exposing a murderer among us!" The Council feel silent. "Belwyn is a vampire. She got McGonagall. I got rid of McGonagall." Everyone stared at the object of that oh-so-blunt accusation, who broke down in tears. "I was hungry! She was the first I'd bitten in a long time, but oh, I was starving! I was dying! I've become a vegetarian now, I promise! Just...just get that garlic away from me!" Hermione was eating a slice of pizza. "Stop! Noooooo!" Belwyn fell to the ground and writhed." "Hermione! Stop torturing the Intelligence Advisor!" Ron boomed. "Sorry, but you had to know." "Belwyn! Get off the motherfu-" "Language, Flame." "Yeah, yeah. I say she's fine; she could have bitten us a thousand times before. She just wants revenge on her sister, for some reason." "Yeah, Belwyn, why do you want revenge?" Belwyn sat back down in her lawn chair. "'Tis a sad story....she was always the favorite because she was a wizard. Poor Belwyn, never as talented or pretty as Koname. The other Lacey girl, the one that no one cared about. For that I seek my revenge, so that I may have my glory. I became a vampire by accident, 'tis true. I shall never use it against anyone, so long as I have my revenge." "Oh-kay. Right. So, why the hell are we here?" "Yeah, Ron, why're we doing this?" Ron shrugged. "Probably so the author could find a place to expose Belwyn as a vampire." Five heads nodded in agreement, and five red slips fluttered to the ground. "Violation of Fanfiction Code," they read, "Conspiring against the author." Ron looked up at the sky. "We weren't conspiring, we were just..saying!" Another red slip came down. "Violation of Rule 45. Talking back to the author. One more strike and you're out, Weasley." Ron swore. Heavy clouds rolled in, and it became very dark in a matter of seconds. Thunder rolled in the distance. "Dammit, Ron, you made her mad. Now it's gonna rain. So much for our plan going complication-free." 


	10. A Call For Help

A Call For Help From The Author  
  
I'll be writing soon; I gave you guys a DOUBLE CHAPTER because I won't be updating until January 9th at the earliest. Time for my Christmas break, heh. Anyway, I'd like to ask a favor of my favorite readers (that's YOU GUYS). A very small favor. For friends. See, I gave my other account (Now it's The Roulettes) to a couple of friends, and they want to do an MST. Any fic; any plot. Trouble is, it's exceedingly hard (imagine that) to find something that's to their liking, something schmuck-filled enough to satisfy their creepy little minds. So if you come across some truly disgusting drivel that you'd like to see ripped apart, please feel free to email me (that's blueangel1901@hotmail.com) . Please make sure to insert the URL and title so I know which site it's on (it doesn't have to be just ff.net) and which story it is (duh). If your entry is chosen, you might even get your very own cameo in a fic or two..*grin* Love you guys. The fans always were my favorite people in the whole wide world....*shifts gears into Super Suck-Up-To-The-Fans-Mode* WHEEEEEEEE!!! Thanks a lot; tell your friends about THE QUEST FOR A SUCKY FIC!!! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHH!!! 


	11. All's Fair In Love And War, Including Ma...

Chapter 11: In Love And War  
  
"My God. Master, where..where are we?" "I don't know, Anakin. It appears that there's something going on, though. I can feel it." "Ya can? What's happnin'? Where in tarnation are we?" "Easy, Chevy. It's early yet. I have a feeling we'll find out sooner or later. It's barely nine o' clock."  
  
"This is insane. We're not following the plan at all. And I left my antibac wipes back at the cottage." "Chill out, Bell. We're almost there." "But I'm hungry. And I'll break my word if I have to." "Oh, no you won't. I'll tie you up and leave you here for the spiders." "Not if I get you first, you selfish pig-" Belwyn's words froze in her mouth, as standing before her was the largest spider she had ever seen. Spiderman, not fazed in the least, spoke to it. "Friends! We come in peace." Belwyn groaned. "Ah. A horror- movie buff, you are? Speak like Yoda, I do. Fun, it is. Eat you, I will, if you don't drop the act and tell me what the hell it is you want." "Sorry. We want you to help us stop a horrible siege of Hogwarts." "Easier said than done, no?" "Precisely. We were kinda hoping you would keep the bloodshed to a minimum." "Darn. But, you know, 's all good. So long as you pay us well." "Really? That's all?" "Yeah. How much you got? We take cash." The spider was beginning to sound more and more like a mafia member. "Seventy-three bucks, US, and around twelve pounds." "Hmm. Not a rich guy, ey, flyboy?" "We-ell, I wouldn't call it poor, but-" "Fine. I'll take it." Belwyn saw her chance to speak up. "You and who else?" "Just me. Whaddaya expect, the whole freakin' navy? I told you, we don't work for free." Belwyn pulled Spidey aside. "This is not good. I guess we ought to take him, but....." "It's okay. Better than nothing, and people freak out over giant spiders anyway. One'll be sufficient." "Are you sure?" "Positive. We don't want a massacre, Bell." "True." She turned to the spider. "You're in. By the way, my name's Belwyn and this is Peter." "Call me Axl. You know, like Guns 'n Roses?" "Uh..yeah. Sure, Ax." And they made their way back to the cabin, while more ominous clouds piled up above.  
  
"Where's the spiders?" Ron peeked out the door, nervously. "You mean spider. We only got one. He's outside." "ONE? Oh, man." "Well, at least we got something." "Yeah, but......Firenze and his buddies are in Tahiti this weekend. We have no Crappy CGI powers. We're doomed. Those goons are gonna take over by dawn, I know it." Hermione, who was reading over the plans, shook her head. "This is hopeless. We're gonna hafta scrap these. We haven't seen Flame in ages; she's been gone since that meeting." "Yeah, she told me she was gonna go scout around, you know. If we could get back Legolas early, this thing'll be over before it begins. See, the way I figure is, if we take their weapon then they won't brainwash us." Candy was filing her nails. "I would have gone with, except she didn't want company." "I don't understand," interrupted Spidey, "exactly how they plan to attack and brainwash the entire female population of Hogwarts. They have no weapons, nor anything else. What have they got that we don't?" Hermione pulled out a large, outdated book that was entirely handwritten. "This I stole from an old woman in Hogsmeade who claims she can make people fall in love. See, it says here that once they have a potential lust object that meets the standards of appearance and personality" she pointed to a faded chart in the center of the page, "All they have to do to make mass quantities of people fall in love is to instill an image of said lust object in the minds of the hapless people, especially via dreams, and then get them all to consume a small amount of what's known as Love Potion Number Nine, which includes lemon extract, vanilla, one hair from the head of the lust object, cinnamon, red wine buried in a leather cask under an oak tree on the night of the full moon(the duration of the burial doesn't matter- three days or three years or three minutes), and a tiny portion of magically neutralized arsenic. All they've got to do is send the ladies an image of Veela-boy in their dreams tonight, which any idiot can do, and then slip some of that vile mix into the water, and bam," her voice lowered to an eerie whisper, "We've got ourselves an epidemic." "But how do you know? They may not do that at all." "I know, Ron, because I have proof. The other day when I was out hunting vampires, about three nights ago, the moon was full. I saw Miss Lacey digging. Under an oak tree." "How......convenient. Hey, no one ever said Mary-Sues were difficult to act in." A small, white slip of paper drifted toward Candy, and she snatched it from the air, her face stricken, her knuckles white. For she read:  
  
VIOLATION OF FANFICTION FORESHADOWING CODE  
  
I don't care if you are the reason the Fangirl Empire will be defeated.  
  
You're out, Candy.  
  
And as soon as she finished that last fatal sentence, Candy, the one who was to have saved them all, disappeared.  
  
Ron saw her vanish, and swore. "Dammit, this is getting worse and worse...what will we do without a supposed heroine? She was supposed to lead Flame and Spidey to the tower and get back Legolas........say, where IS Spidey? He was here two minutes ago!" Ron, on a hunch, peered up into the cloudy sky. A white slip of paper floated lazily right into his hand.  
  
HA, HA.  
  
You've meddled too much, Ron Weasley.  
  
I, the author, have personally delivered Spidey into the hands of the fangirls. Your brothers and I were getting bored.  
  
Have fun.  
  
Ron wrung his hands in despair. "WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYY?!" Hermione started, then slapped him smartly across the face. "SNAP OUT OF IT, WEASLEY! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!" Her cliché-ful bout of insanity startled Ron into obeying. And the door flung wide open, and in strode Flame........with three strangers in tow.  
  
Meanwhile, Fred, George, Delta, and Oliver were watching on the MST-cam. "Wow, this could be a real good reality show, " remarked Oliver, "If you like that kind of thing." "Yeah, it's starting to bug me that I can't have control anymore. It's getting harder to remove characters; ever since I let it get out of hand......" "You mean that you didn't revoke your author powers on purpose?" "Of course not, Fred. Or George. See, it shouldn't have got this far. I was going to quit at Chapter Ten, but things kinda got out of hand. Koname is too powerful. It's all real down there, guys. I have no more control." The author calmly sat down on the white leather couch. "And this doesn't bother you?" "Not a bit. I mean, I highly doubt that anyone's gonna die. Some people may get a little brainwashed, but, oh well. Nothing we can do about it." Fred gave her an odd look. "You mean that my brother could be hurt? And we can't do anything about it?" "Anything could happen. Besides, you're still all-knowing. Maybe you can tell what's gonna happen. Don't worry about it; no one important ever dies in Mary-Sues." "True." And he sat back down to watch the nonexistent carnage.  
  
  
  
The clock in the Great Hall struck ten, but the inhabitants of the West Tower didn't hear it. The Lady Koname sat at the massive mahogany desk, wearing a surgical mask and holding a dropper full of clear pink liquid over a tiny container of white powder. Across the room, Cho Chang sat next to the canopied bed in the second blue armchair, watching. "What's that?" "Arsenic." The Lady's voice was hoarse, but velvety nonetheless. "WHAT!?" "Shhh, dear. You'll wake him." "He's drugged, Koname." "Yes, but he's also not human; they're not as effective on him. And this is neutralized arsenic." "What? Poison is poison, Koname." "No, not this. The toxins have been magically removed. However, when infused with rose petal extract, the remaining chemicals react very strongly with the rose to form a powerful aphrodesiac." "Oh. I suppose you'll add that to your potion?" "Quite right. How much wine did you put?" "All of it. The cask was small. How will you ever get it into the food?" "Oh, you know, I'll send it with a house-elf. They're easy to fool, the little buggers." "House-elves.....any relation to our dear Legolas here?" "Oh, heaven forbid, no! Actually a type of goblin. Do be quiet, he's stirring. There: done. Now, Cho, take this down to the kitchens and make sure it gets into something that everyone will eat, if not the water. It only affects the girls, though. If I wanted the boys, I would have added white wine. Maybe put it into the pumpkin juice. Go now, dear, and hurry. I'll be asleep when you return; the dream-spell only takes five minutes when one has a crystal ball. Go swiftly! And do not spill it." The Lady, clad all in black and covered like the pictures of those Afghan women in burkas, removed her mask and let the scarf fall from her mouth. "Don't fail. 'Tis an easy task, but I sense something is afoot. Something big." And she handed Cho the bottle of potion, and watched her leave. The beautiful Koname leaned over the edge of the bed and looked lovingly at her captive prince. "Soon, my love, I shall be your queen, and we shall rule this place.....once I have them to do my bidding, I shall release them from the spell of that foul potion and no one shall have you but me........." she murmured and fingered his hair, and placed a kiss on his lips, and then- BAM- in came Spidey. He fell in a heap on the floor in the common fashion, and looked in horror at his surroundings. "N-no!" "Hush, boy! You need not scream! You'll wake him! Ah, but where on earth did you come from," she purred. He scrambled up off the floor and shoved her to the ground. She snarled angrily, muttered a spell, and Spidey choked and clutched at his throat, and fell to the ground in a dead faint.  
  
  
  
"Flame! And.......Obi-Wan Kenobi? And......whoa, this is too freaky." "Yeah, you're welcome. I found these Jedi and Chevy here lurking around the second-floor conservatory and greenhouses. They'll be of some use." Anakin and Obi-Wan looked in admiration of the rough, sarcastic warrior: She had the skill of a bounty hunter, but the personality of an angry truck driver with severe and permanent PMS. They could respect that. And they didn't have a choice, because the Force was strong with her, and she agreed to hop on over to Coruscant and check out the Temple courses if they helped her. Yoda would be ecstatically pleased, they thought, with a new recruit. So the Jedi were more than happy to cooperate. "And, you lazy fags, I got up to the tower and spied. We need to get up there real fast, 'cause there's no time for gathering an army. That devil lady's mixing up some type of potion to contaminate the water. We'll fight with what we have; just as long as that potion doesn't get near the kitchens. Send that giant spider you have out back to guard the galley. Now, we haven't time to waste." She turned on her heel, cocking her tranq gun as she went, and sprinted across the grounds, with Ron, Hermione, Belwyn, and the spider at her heels. Chevy stared after them, and looked at Harry. Harry shrugged, and, plodding dejectedly, took up the rear. After all, they had forgotten to knock him out. Those arrogant supporting characters.....he would get his revenge soon, very soon.  
  
  
  
Poor Cho was petrified. She had been so close to becoming the ruler of all Hogwarts, maybe even Queen of England, only to be finished in such an untimely and tragic manner: Death By Giant Talking Spider. She had slipped soundlessly through the labarynthine passages of the castle, taking shortcuts and detours, and staying alert, which was hard, because she had been awake since so early this morning......despite her impending doom, Cho yawned. The spider blocking the kitchen doors gave her an eight-eyed scowl. "What's a skinny little broad like you doing out at nearly eleven, when you're s'posed to be sleepin'?" "I'm, uh, delivering this. To the house- elves. In the kitchen. It's urgent, from Professor Lacey." "Yeah? What is it?" "Um, pasteurizing potion. She foresaw that a lot of,uh, kids were gonna get sick from drinking, uh, milk with bacteria in it. Just an extra precaution." "I see. So, why so late?" "Well, she never knows when the Sight will hit her, and so, uh, here I am. She couldn't come herself, 'cause, uh, she was doing something with those divining sticks of hers, to tell how bad the sickness'll be." "Hmmm. I must think over whether to let you pass." "Please, Mr. Spider, it's urgent. Right now, there are house- elves drinking that contaminated milk. I MUST get inside! Please!" The spider looked at her panicked face. After all, no one had told him whose side he was on: this gal seemed innocent enough. "Okay, go on in."  
  
Chevy, meanwhile, had gone back into the cottage directly after the departure of the members of OFS. She sat down on the couch, and closed her eyes. Just for five minutes; she'd had a terribly confusing day. She knew it was all a dream, but still........her head lolled and she nodded off, and a peculiar dream invaded her psyche at once.........  
  
-There was a thick mist on the ground. She was in a beautiful rose garden, all abloom and smelling heavenly. She wore her jeans and a t-shirt, nothing fancy, yet she felt as if she ought to be dressed up in such a lovely place. Chevy sat on the edge of a fountain, the water crystal-clear and studded with ornamental fish of all colors. Someone was coming.......a young man, tall, blonde, with blue eyes that showed too much wisdom for the age he appeared to be. He sat next to her, an angel, so handsome, and they kissed-  
  
Chevy awoke with a terrible start. She looked at the clock; it was fifteen minutes later, but it felt like an eternity had passed since she first fell asleep. The dream had not cleared from her head but hung on, and made her feel quite odd- as if she was lacking something. She was also terribly thirsty. Chevy pulled on her hood and left the cottage, in search of something to eat and drink. The water in the tap didn't taste right, and the fridge was devoid of anything edible. So she battled the rain and set off towards the huge castle, where every girl, and some of the boys, were having the exact same dream.  
  
  
  
"Where is the well?" "'Tis not here, miss. I'm not sure where our water comes from exactly, with my humblest apologies. Have a cookie?" "No, thanks. I want you to make sure this entire keg of, ah, pasteurizing potion gets into the pumpkin juice, seeing as that's what everyone drinks." "Why, miss?" "How dare you question me!" Cho kicked at the pathetic little creature, sending him flying."Someone, get this into the pumpkin juice. NOW!" A dozen house elves rushed forward, and one grabbed the jar and set off at a run for the giant vat of orange, frothy liquid that sat like a squatting giant on the east wall of the enormous kitchen. Suddenly, without warning, something flew past Cho's ear and collided with the little elf, whose feet came out from under him and he fell, lifeless, on the floor. The skin of potion flew and landed fifteen feet away from Cho, who dove for it, tripped over the now-dead elf, and hit the floor, where she scrambled wildly before she realized that someone was standing on her cloak. "Not so fast, you pitiful rat." A girl, hardly older than Cho with bright red, short-cropped hair wearing what looked like black military fatigues was pointing a bizarre weapon in her face. "What exactly do you think you're doing?" Cho sputtered, "Pasteurize.......juice......" "Yeah. Sure. I know what's going on; don't bother lying to me. You're one of Koname's minions, aren't you?" Cho turned a nasty shade of green, and Flame realized something that she hadn't before: the girl's eyes. They were rather dialated, and the iris was an unnatural shade of bright, electric blue. A bad sign, like the primal fear that flickered across Cho's face, an expression of pure instinctive terror that screamed, "Spare me! Help!" Flame let go of her cloak. "Get up. Now." Cho shakily stood. "Look at me." She glanced up, not meeting Flame's eyes. "You......there's something not right. You're not right. Look at me. In the eyes." Cho again glanced up, and returned her gaze to the floor. "Look at me, or I'll blow your everloving brains out." "You........you don't want that......." "Yeah, I do. Now." "Fine. You asked for it." Cho suddenly looked up, into Flame's lime-colored contacts. Flame stared back, for there were images there, in that frightening pale blue and liquid black.......the two were locked in each other's eyes, Cho unable to move, Flame not wanting to. For she saw a picture, a dream, there in those dead blue eyes, and a sweeter scene she had never witnessed.......  
  
Flame was in some snowy woods, silent, eerie. Her red hair was long, as it had once been, and she wore a colorless, plain shift and fur boots. In the dream, she walked forward, through the trees into a small clearing. In the centre of the clearing stood Legolas, and at his feet was a single red rose. From the edge of the trees, she watched him bend over and pluck the rose from the snow, like a dancer in a silent ballet. She floated up to him, her feet seeming to float inches above the ground, and he gave her the rose, and she pressed it to his lips........a thorn on the stem drew a shining drop of blood.....the same color as the rose......Flame wanted to cry and shout and explode and laugh all at the same time......the ruby drop of blood fell, slowly, silently, onto her hand and then-  
  
  
  
"Why the hell'd she send us up here alone? This is insane, it is. Hunh, Ron?" "Shut up, Belwyn. We're almost there. Besides, can't you see in the dark?" "Yeah, but still. Ouch! You clumsy fool-" "You be quiet. You're not a bit of help, you know. I doubt you even remember what you're supposed to do when we get there." "Of course; it's easy. I'm to stall Koname and break her crystal ball, which will get rid of the dream-spell, and then while she attacks you two I'm to grab the guy and run. Say, Ron, how do you plan to attack her if you haven't got a wand?" "Well, I wasn't going to attack her, just.....defend if she attacks us. I took Harry's wand when he wasn't looking." "Oh."  
  
  
  
"Hey! What are you-" Obi-Wan stopped short. Flame was looking at Cho, no, Cho was hypnotizing Flame. "Hey!" He waved his hand at Cho, and she flew across the room yet again. She slumped softly to the floor. "Unh." Flame, on the other hand, was breathing heavily, nearly hyperventilating. "Flame! Flame, wake up. Look at me." Flame's eyes were dialated as Cho's had been, but she wasn't fully brainwashed. "Oh God. Oh God. Thank God, Kenobi, I almost........she almost got me. Something's happened to her, someone got her and she was gonna get me....that drop of red blood, so red, I wanted to lick it off, it was terrible, I couldn't control-" "Shh, now. You're strong. Very strong. Someone without the Force in them would have succumbed to her powers; she's been instilled with some powerful shit. Careful, now, lean on me. Don't try to walk. She's out like a light, and won't wake up anytime soon. Come on." He offered his shoulder for her to lean on, but she gently shoved him away and walked haltingly, unsurely, to the double doors of the galley. "Come on. They're in the West Tower. Make sure that......oh,no, no, no...." A house-elf was busily dumping the contents of the vessel which Cho had been carrying into the vat of orange-colored juice. "Lady told me to," he mumbled to himself, "told me to, told me to...."  
  
  
  
When Legolas awoke, he was lying down. On a sinking featherbed he was, and next to him was Koname. The Lady Koname's dark hair was fanned out on the pillow, and her skin was ghastly pale in the moonlight streaming from the open window. She looked sick, or if she had been doing an immense amount of tiring work. For now that the dream-spell had begun to take effect on hundreds of girls, it was slowly draining her- her breathing was labored, her full lips slightly blue. Legolas, pushing aside the thought of having a strange woman asleep next to him, leaned over and brushed a wisp of hair from her face. She stirred, and awoke. "Hello, my dear. You're awake." Her usually cold, silky voice was weak and strained. She turned over and gagged once, and then said, "Oh, my, I didn't know this would happen.....it must be the dreams....." Legolas' compassion overrode the last shred of mind- boggling dislike for the woman, and placed a hand on her back to steady her while she sat up. "Thank y-you." She hobbled wearily over to the desk, when- "Stop right there!" A bolt of something hit her directly in the back of her neck, and she went down. "Hah. Now I don't even have to talk to her." In came Belwyn and Ron and Hermione, who bore a wand and a smug look of contempt. She aimed a smirk at the blonde prince. "I'd put some clothes on before you got all the way out of that bed." Legolas blushed a deep red, as Belwyn remarked, "Ugh. I'm not carrying the naked guy anywhere." "Who said you had to carry him?" "Well, my instructions were to 'grab the guy and run'. I thought you meant it literally." "Oh, come on. You don't even have to do any work, now that I've hit her with that Electricus Shockucus." "Oh, shut up. That didn't even sound Latin." Their bickering was interrupted by Ron, who was having his windpipe crushed by the hands of the fallen sorceress. "Do be quiet, Ron, can't you see we're trying to have an argument?" They continued the stream of insults.  
  
Another day, another dollar..I'm ready to quit this thing once and for all. Next chap's the last. Anyone see MST3k this week? "The Screaming Skull"? That was the worst movie they had in a while...yet another reason why the fifties were really, really weird. 


	12. We Are Beginning Our Descent Into Realit...

Chapter 12: The End As We Know It  
  
A/N: Okay, guys, last chapter. The randomness will hopefully reappear, as it seems to have deserted us sometime in the last ten chapters. To Vega, who is doing an MST of this story: Go find some decent fodder, at least. This stuff isn't worth MSTing. It's like Mystery Science Hell, it is. Anyway, there's a sequel coming soon, so don't miss it if you're some kind of creepy die-hard fan. I hope it will be much better than this one. The chapter that's up now is barely relevant anymore, as I've decided to change the story quite a bit. Anyway, it's gonna be based on the dreaded, dreaded real-world Legomance. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of this godforsaken show.  
  
Another Author's Note: I hate ff.net with every fiber of my being. I'm relocating to soupfiction.net VERY soon, so if you guys want to read my crap, go there. The staff is polite, courteous, and personable, not like the inconsiderate robots here at ff.net. Check it out! There's a few little flaws, but mostly it's okay. The thing I look for most is the helpfulness and attitude of the staff. Meaning, they actually answer your questions.  
  
  
  
Harry looked up at the sky. He had heard Fred saying something about 'all- knowingness' and 'MST box', but he really didn't believe that he was in another fic. The fics seemed to come and go, and most of them were alternate-universe-type things, so he really didn't have to worry. But still, revenge was rather hard to come by in fics, because the author was watching and authors usually wanted to make him fall in love or something. But there really didn't seem to be an author; if there was, HE'D be the star and not those useless supporting characters. Harry began to foam slightly at the mouth, and he began to pant. He wanted revenge, and he was going to get it. He loped through the hallways of the castle-  
  
"Blimey, he looks mad," said George, as they watched the giant TV in the MST box, in the author's realm. "Yeah, I really didn't think of him when I started this thing. Didn't think he'd actually want revenge. He's useless." "Yeah, you got that right." "Really." The author looked at the wandering, rabid Harry. "You know, I betcha I could send him to, like, the Super Bowl or something. Lemme try." She opened a drawer below the TV and took out a small keyboard, onto which she typed, 'He loped through the hallways of the castle, and suddenly was at the Super Bowl.' "Lame, but it'll do......oh, crap." The screen had flickered and showed Harry standing, puzzled, on a green hill, no, it was mountains, next to a large grey stone structure. It appeared to be about to rain. "Dammit. In what way does 'Macchu Picchu' sound like 'Super Bowl'? Need to get this thing fixed." She fiddled with the keyboard, punching buttons and typing things in. "Crap again. It looks like Chevy's going to the kitchen, and that can't be good.....here, someone send Chevy away while I go get another bowl of popcorn." The author tossed the keyboard to Oliver, who tapped, 'Chevy then becomes an amazing Quidditch player, discovers she can do magic with the best of them and is more powerful than Harry Potter himself, and decides to stay at Hogwarts and play on the Quidditch team. She Disapparates and goes to wherever it is she came from to collect her luggage and say goodbye to her parents.' Chevy disappeared from the screen. "You just don't ever give it up, do you Oliver?"  
  
  
  
"And it's your fault that we're in such a pickle, because if I hadn't been wasting time hunting vampires I would have been able to fix the plan." "Oh, yes, and you could probably also stop all the wars, and live forever, and sing like freakin'-ass Mariah Carey, because you're PERFECT and can do everything." "You know what I meant, you carnivorous slut!" "Yeah, and you meant that you think you're all that and more! I'm getting out of here, if you can do all this yourself." "Fine! Go! You're useless anyway!" And Belwyn spat at Hermione, turned on her heel, and left. In the hall, she met a peculiar girl. She was entirely two-dimensional, and had on a little dress like Shirley Temple wore and great big eyes. "Please, could you tell me where I might find a guy, about so tall, light hair? Really cute, too." Whenever she spoke, a little shower of pink cotton candy floated to the ground. Belwyn, thinking she meant Tobey, pointed her into the West Tower room. "Yeah, he's tied up in there." The anime girl thanked her and skipped inside.  
  
  
  
"Shit. This is......oh, shit." Flame turned towards the door, for she could hear a great whispering noise, like legions of a silent army marching forward. And all at once she knew what it was: hundreds of girls, coming to get a drink of pumpkin juice after they awoke from their dreams. "Anakin. Obi-Wan. I want you to get rid of that vat. Throw it in the lake. Use the Force. Whatever. I'm going to go batten down the doors." She limped over to the big metal doors and shoved tables, chairs, anything she could find in front of them. Anakin stared stupidly at Flame, thinking about how she was so different from Padme.....Padme.....a slow tear trickled down his cheek. "You two fix all this yourselves. I have a score to settle." He knew that he had to find that anime thing, and kill it. The whispering of six or seven hundred nightgowns grew louder, and now they could hear the voices, saying, "God, I'm thirsty", and "My, that was the best dream I've ever had", and such. Obi-Wan lifted the vat using the Force, and started to maneuver it across the floor, as Anakin dove out the window and leaped, catlike, across the roof to the west tower.  
  
"Hey! Get away from him! Petrificus Totalus!" Hermione pointed her wand at Ron's assailant, but she easily evaded the assault. "Don't fool with me, you pitiful girl." "Why do you want him anyway? He never did a thing to you!" "You don't understand. I'm losing power. I spent it all, not knowing that I did so, and unless I get energy or something from somewhere, I could sleep for weeks, and by then my empire will have failed without a ruler....I need his energy." And Hermione saw that as she clasped her hands around Ron's throat, a faint bluish light was being absorbed into her palms. "You're evil." "No, not evil. Just a twisted girl with twisted dreams...." she shot a malicious grin at Hermione. "Wingardium Leviosa!" she cried suddenly, apparently trying to make Ron fly out of the Lady's grasp. "Oh, no you don't. If you keep doing that, we'll have to tie you up." And with that she hit Hermione with an immobilization spell, and bound her-  
  
"That's very sci-fi, very Pokemon. Who writes this junk?" The former author shrugged. "Not me. Are those the only spells Hermione knows? That's all you ever hear her say." Oliver took the remote and flicked the TV back to ESPN. "Hey," protested Fred, "I was watching that!" "Well, it's not like anything good was happening."  
  
up, and threw her to the floor. "Heh. Now we should return to business." At once she was interrupted by a horrible, ear-piercing noise. "SQUEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!! IT'S TOBEY MAGUIRE!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Koname winced, and stared in terror at the creature approaching the threshold. All at once it was inside the room, busily working at the duct tape that Spidey was stuck to the wall with. "Oh, he's so kayoooooooooot!! Wherever did you find him?" "Um, he just kind of....appeared." "Wow! He's so KAWAII!!!!" Suddenly, there was an enormous crash- Anakin had jumped through a windowpane from the roof. He unsheathed his lightsaber, and, seething, cornered he creature as Koname looked on. "You. You killed my love." "I-I what? Oh, Anakin, you're so ka-" "Shut up while I kill you." And he drove the blade into her chest. Koname gasped, as did Legolas, who hadn't moved, and Ron, who was just getting air. The anime thing wailed, a heartrending, screeching cry, and fell silent. "Well, now that that's over, how may I be of service to you, my lovely?" He leered at Koname, who slapped him. "Feisty, are we?" "Get away from me." "Why, who's this? A little boy?" "Help, sir! She's gonna kill me!" "Are you sure something this lovely is capable of killing y-" Anakin crumpled as she knocked him on the back of the head, hard, with a paperweight. "Now, Ron, I don't like intruders, especially when I've got that" she gestured toward Legolas "in my room. So why don't you just cooperate, and everything'll be easier for the both of us. Don't worry about your little friends Spidey and that girl; they're next." One sinuous, pale hand found the back of Ron's neck, and squeezed.  
  
Belwyn stormed down the hall, furious. She thumped down the stairs, and stopped short when she heard a crash and a piteous, screeching wail. "What the hell......" Belwyn, out of curiosity more than compassion, turned around and started back.  
  
"Hey! Koname!" Koname looked up at her sister, poised in the doorframe. "What are you doing back here again? I thought you left." "Oh, come on. I came back to......to help you." "You did? Why?" "Because you're my sister, and because I hate them. All of them." "So, little sister, you've come to help. But how do I know you speak the truth? You did always dislike me." "Well, I dislike them more." "Makes sense. Get rid of Spidey there." "All......all right." Belwyn walked over to where he was tied. "Oh, God, help me....."  
  
"Hey, George! Let's play God!" Fred typed in, "Spidey vanished, and appeared in the home of some fangirl." "Cool."  
  
"Good girl. Say, where'd you send him?" "I-I don't know." Belwyn blinked in surprise. "Do you have a sink?" "Yeah, back through that door." "Thanks." She went into the bathroom and turned the water on full-blast. Legolas groaned; obviously Belwyn was going to be in there for awhile. He had to do something, and do it quickly. He had to take out Koname, but his awful movie-verse personality forbid him to shoot a lady. And he didn't have any weapons, anyway. Hermione was their last hope.....Konami's back was to the bed. He wrapped the sheet around himself and quietly crept over to where she was tied, and began untying the knots. Whatever drugs she had given him must have been awfully strong; his fingers were stumbling and his vision was blurry. Luckily the spell hadn't been strong and Hermione was partly conscious. But her wand was nowhere to be seen. "Look," she mouthed, and pointed at Koname. She was bent over, sucking the life out of Ron, and his wand was stuck in a pocket of her robe. Legolas went up to her from behind, and she jumped as he hugged her. "I do love you", he whispered sappily, and deftly snatched the wand and threw it to Hermione. "Catch!" She caught it, and said something: a jumble of spells, unintelligible, and threw the wand with all her might at Koname and then-  
  
George, Fred, Oliver, and the non-author watched in awe as the screen depicted a giant explosion. "Whoa." "Wow." "Kaboom." "Cool." Whatever happened to Flame and Obi-Wan? I guess we'll never know. Whatever became of Ron and Hermione? We can only imagine. For in that moment, seconds after the explosion, Koname woke up.  
  
Nami groaned. The alarm beside her buzzed, and she blindly whacked at it with her arm. It had all been a dream, the dream of this normal (well, relatively normal) high-school girl whose name was Koname (called Nami by her friends; her parents were into the whole meaningful-name thing: Koname means 'moonlight' in Polynesian, I think) . And so ends the Mary-Sue; misfits and all. For, in every Mary-Sue, the ending sucks, and loose ends are never tied. 


End file.
